Thursday, February 7, 2013

breast pumping while working can be very STRESSFUL...

I feel like this post is somewhat emotional for me to write… but here I go.

I’ve been really overwhelmed with keeping up with the demands of nursing/ pumping and providing for my baby…

I work full time and I have a little growing business of my own.. so I feel like I’m double dipping in my career… with that being said, my full time job has become very overwhelming and I find myself unable to keep up with my pumping demands to feed my baby…

And it frustrates me that I cannot balance this “simple task”. Because I can’t keep up, I’ve depleted my frozen stash and all I want to do is cry.

Do I give up breastfeeding- or do I tell my job to wait for me while I run to the bathroom during a tradeshow to pump for 15-20 minutes…

Do I continue to climb the corporate ladder or do I stop to be a mother?

What am I suppose to do?

On a daily basis, I can do both and I do it very well.. I can balance both… but with the next few months of tradeshows and travel, I find myself stressing out and nervous. 2 days before my first tradeshow, I noticed a drop in my supply…

On the day of my tradeshow, I nursed little landon at 3:30am- left my house by 5 and drove to Temecula for a tradeshow.

During my first pump session at 6:30am- I noticed that it couldn’t pump more than 4 oz when I needed 6. I pumped in my car (like I do everyday) but I was rushing to get into the meeting by 7…

Then I made a tough decision. I skipped my second session because I didn’t want to leave in the middle of the show to pump, because I was embarrassed… and ended up being angry with myself for doing this.

Instead of immediately pumping after my tradeshow, I decided to have lunch with the “team”… because again, I was embarrassed.

I didn’t pump for 7 hours. And by the time I got to my car, I was so stressed, I was only able to pump 6oz. Total amount pumped for the day: 10. Total I needed: 18.

I literally kicked myself the whole way home and I cried because I felt like I made the worst decision. When I saw Landon’s face- I was even more upset and overwhelmed that I chose my job over my baby.

Second day- same issue. Total pumped 14. Total needed 18.

On a daily basis, I pump 3x a day (7oz @ 10 and 1/ 8oz at 8)… so what on earth happened???

Anyway- I’m sure I will figure it out- I only wanted to post this because I wanted other mothers out there to know that- I get it, you’re not alone.

Although breastfeeding is a personal decision, I feel that it shouldn’t just be MY decision.. it have my company's support, after all, we are raising the next generation... I believe that in a mans world.. or at least at my company where the sales team is 99% male dominated- I will find myself having to play tug of war with what I think is right… and for right now, nursing my son is most important for me… so I will not skip any more sessions, instead, I will find a way to balance both.

My career is only an 8 hour a day job where one day, I’ll make enough and retire whereas Motherhood, is 24/7 for the rest of my life.

I want will to be successful at both because i want to set an example for my children. I want my son to be able to one day empathize for a woman he works with and I want my future daughter to realize that if I could do this, she can do anything.

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